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A Morsel of What I Have Been Up To

15 June, 2010 Tuesday // Art, Life

iconSometimes I find myself sitting quietly, usually in the car, having my thoughts chase each other around, pondering my way through a map of the universe, stringing together what I can make of myself…and the world. It can be a frightening place, for after a while, when I land back to my senses (somewhat), I find myself on the brink of a void – void, and not the cliché abyss – where it is as if I really am in that moment the stardust we are all made of. The notion of nothing-ness, only I take it a step further and apply it to everything that matters to me most. I am finding now, maybe it is the fact that I am constantly “rediscovering” myself, it is the reason I am despairingly stuck in a rut that takes so much effort to remove myself from. I don’t doubt I am a romantic person, not the sense of warm, lovely candlelit auras and scented breezes through the shutters, but that unanchored, dreamy sort, with piles of images and thoughts flitting past in a perpetually nostalgic slideshow. And it is such a perplexing matter, when thinking about it afterwards, that in these moments, I am not really peering in at myself, or myself at all…they are really the most unselfish moments of my waking life – everything is strung on a quivering thread, as fragile as that golden string the Fates sever, without a thought. Without a thought. It is the strangest place, there, too. Once you leave, you cannot go back, for then you are caught up in trying to return, it is quite impossible to go back. Yet when you are there….are you really? Or is it just a moment’s peace, prolonged by the silence of the surroundings. Not silence in the literal sense, for that hardly ever matters. To me it doesn’t at least. There is nothing better than that particular silence.