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A Morsel of What I Have Been Up To

15 June, 2010 Tuesday // Art, Life

iconSometimes I find myself sitting quietly, usually in the car, having my thoughts chase each other around, pondering my way through a map of the universe, stringing together what I can make of myself…and the world. It can be a frightening place, for after a while, when I land back to my senses (somewhat), I find myself on the brink of a void – void, and not the cliché abyss – where it is as if I really am in that moment the stardust we are all made of. The notion of nothing-ness, only I take it a step further and apply it to everything that matters to me most. I am finding now, maybe it is the fact that I am constantly “rediscovering” myself, it is the reason I am despairingly stuck in a rut that takes so much effort to remove myself from. I don’t doubt I am a romantic person, not the sense of warm, lovely candlelit auras and scented breezes through the shutters, but that unanchored, dreamy sort, with piles of images and thoughts flitting past in a perpetually nostalgic slideshow. And it is such a perplexing matter, when thinking about it afterwards, that in these moments, I am not really peering in at myself, or myself at all…they are really the most unselfish moments of my waking life – everything is strung on a quivering thread, as fragile as that golden string the Fates sever, without a thought. Without a thought. It is the strangest place, there, too. Once you leave, you cannot go back, for then you are caught up in trying to return, it is quite impossible to go back. Yet when you are there….are you really? Or is it just a moment’s peace, prolonged by the silence of the surroundings. Not silence in the literal sense, for that hardly ever matters. To me it doesn’t at least. There is nothing better than that particular silence.


15 Dreams

Moses & the wizard of Oz woman. This was an amazing post & the way you write is so incredibly eloquent it is … perplexing that this wasn’t an excerpt out of a book or something.

Johnathan tells me that he wants to write a book on the complexities of the universe & why it constantly needs to rediscover itself..perhaps one day you & him could have a conversation about that. because even though i think i’ve cracked his complex mind about what he’s talking about, he says it’s not what he’s getting at.

But anyway, I know what you mean. I too just sit & ponder about the many many things .. of life. Just the little things that make it up. The choices we make, the food we eat, the people we meet, the friends we make, the love we find, the house we live in, the cells that make up our very being, everything…strung all together by just..choices, survival, & need.

Rediscovering what you are, who you are, & what you will become is something most people do not go through until they are much older. Most people just live in the moment & dgaf about the rest but I think you’ve gotten to a point in your life in which you’re soul searching..for you..to find out who you are..what you’re really like & why you are the way you are.

Thinking to yourself..eh? I think to myself about a lot of things like you mentioned as well..which is why I am grateful that no one can read my inner thoughts. I may look a bit sad when I’m thinking to myself though..but it’s just because I get so caught up in my own thoughts.

Keep going at it & finding that silence you adore so much because you may not always have that particular silence all that often. There’ll be a time when all you can do is move which requires thinking of what you will need to do next..& not so much time to sit & self-reflect.

left by Tiff on 14 June, 2010 Monday

well, welcome back! can’t wait for the new round at Erised. I’m excited to see the layout. I stopped here first to see what was going on.

(btw, when the Mirror of Erised popped up in the 1st book, I almost called you, but I thought I would save it for another time… speaking of the Harry Potter books, my current status is: Book 2, page 147. I’m inching along!)

I agree with Tiff when she says “This was an amazing post & the way you write is so incredibly eloquent it is … perplexing that this wasn’t an excerpt out of a book or something.” It was amazing, Nicole.

A long time ago (well, not that long ago according to you, as I have found out, but long ago in my perspective) you explained this to me—maybe in more severe words because I remember it being more of a darker thing in our conversation—and it was only recently (a couple months ago) when I felt it, too. I tried talking to you about it again and, maybe it was due to how I described it, but you did not seem to remember what you told me. Anyway, it’s comforting to know that you haven’t lost this… i guess you can say “sparking depth” if that makes sence…about you. [I thought I was crazy!]

My favorite line: “I am finding now, maybe it is the fact that I am constantly “rediscovering” myself, it is the reason I am despairingly stuck in a rut that takes so much effort to remove myself from.”

Now we are a million and one ways alike.

L :love: ve,


left by krystel on 15 June, 2010 Tuesday

I guess I’ve been stuck in a selfish swirl (I almost wrote squirrel…no joke!) that’s made it hard to see what’s out there left for me anymore. I get where you’re coming from in this post. Totally.

left by Jen on 15 June, 2010 Tuesday

Nicole! I love Erised sooo much that I want to make a layout for it!

I know weird offering right?? But yeahhh…ugh school sucks majorly! But I have summer school and I need to stop writing depressive blogs!!

It sounds like you are finally free of school and can do a lot of fun things!

I think we are all some what rediscovering ourselves. I know this might be a shallow interpretation, but in high school was very insecure and didn’t really think for myself, but as I got older I gained more confidence in what I did and what I wanted to wear and do that I eventually grew out of the insecure phase. I find my tastes are always changing in music and studies.

have a fantastic summer!!!

left by lucy on 16 June, 2010 Wednesday

Nic!!! Hi hun! Guess, I wasn’t the only one who was gone for a while ;)

I think that was a really well written piece! For me, it’s hard not to get stuck in the meaninglessness of life. Sometimes I really don’t know what’s the point of it all and that kinda scares me. Maybe we shouldn’t dwell on things so much and take things as they are, one thing at a time. Otherwise we’ll go crazy.

As for rediscovering oneself, I think this is a process we will continue to go through. I’ve been blogging for 5 years and I looked back at old posts the other day and it’s hard for me to recognize the girl I once was. We all move through phases in life, experience and learn new stuff, gradually these things happen and it changes us. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Just keep your head up high, because you’re wonderful and you shouldn’t forget that.

Beautiful art, I especially like the Million Memories one! Is that Milla Jovovich? Much love, dear! xxx

left by Gwen on 17 June, 2010 Thursday

Heyy, thanks :) Yours is awesome! I’m not to sure if it does.

I hand code my site too :) Thanks, I just play around with the different effects and see what the result is :)

By the way I love your header, it’s amazinggg :)

left by Owen on 19 June, 2010 Saturday

Welcome back Nicole, this post sums up why I missed reading your blog. I could never write this much sense (& so beautifully) if I tried.

I went through a period of “redescovering myself” when I started a new relationship with my current boyfriend. I’m glad I did because I see myself for who and what I truely am now, at this moment in my life. As previously said though I suppose i’ll redesover myself a lot more throughout life as I get older & wiser.

left by Antonia-Louise on 20 June, 2010 Sunday

It didn’t went well :/ I blacked out or something o_O Too nervous! Anyways I just had my last oral exam today (math) and that one went well!!! :D Now I can enjoy the beginning of my summer vacation :)

left by Helene on 22 June, 2010 Tuesday

That was beautifully written! I can completely relate to what you said about rediscovering yourself. I’m still really young and trying to identify who I am as an individual. I’ve allowed myself to be defined by the people I surround myself with and that’s not what I want for myself. I guess lately I have been rediscovering myself through web design.

Erised Challenges is fantastic! I absolutely adore your CSS. Alot of it inspired some of my website so I thank you for your talent!

left by Abbie on 22 June, 2010 Tuesday


Keep rediscovering! IT’s not a bad thing. Change is good. Sometimes it might suck but there are a lot of times where it’s not so bad.

left by lucy on 24 June, 2010 Thursday

That was a beautiful and thoughtful post that I’m sure many people can relate to! I like to ponder many things in my life as it brings up deeper thinking and better understanding too.

My dad is much better now, thanks! I hope your dad gets better as well. That car crash sounds horrible! Has your dad seen a doctor about his neck?

It is a great feeling! You come out feeling much better than when you went in, that’s for sure. 13 years of piano?! Wow. I used to take piano lessons, but I hated it. I quit after 5 years of playing the instrument, because my parents finally let me. :P Your piano recital will go great, and I’m sure you will play your best, especially after such a long time with the instrument!

I first discovered Lily Allen through a friend. After I started listening to it, I fell in love with her accent, hahaha. I love accents so much. xD Her songs have some funny lyrics. :D

left by Jenny on 25 June, 2010 Friday

“There is nothing better than that particular silence.”

That’s so true. And beautifully said. I like sitting in the car. It’s somehow a very calming place.. :P :blush:

left by Shiri on 27 June, 2010 Sunday

Haha, thanks—I love the smilies too! :D

I didn’t mean that I find them annoying; I meant I find them funny since every blog of mine is pretty much random ramblings.

You’re a good writer; I can’t exactly find anything to say. o.o However sitting in a car, in silence, isn’t my thing. D:

left by Liz on 29 June, 2010 Tuesday

Wow, you have a way of writing that’s so beautiful.

“Everything is strung on a quivering thread, as fragile as that golden string the Fates sever, without a thought.” That could be a quote from some famous poetry. It’s quite easy to relate to as well. Everything is precious.

No problem. I always try and credit sources. It’s really quite selfish to ask people to credit you if you don’t do the same I find. I’ve been using a few of your textures. I first found your website when I was just getting into Lord of the Rings and reading the books.

Yeah, I always think Scotland is beautiful. Especially the west coast and the highlands.

Ah, my teacher decided today that it has to be a piece of personal writing now, which I really don’t like. My life just isn’t interesting enough. Summer homework really sucks although it does sound like you’ve got it worse than me.

Umm, £40 is about $60 I think. It used to be more but our economy is pretty crap at the moment. A marimba is a big percussion instrument. Like a xylophone but with a much nicer sound.

By the way, do you write poetry? It seems like you should after reading your blog.

left by Aileen on 29 June, 2010 Tuesday

Nicole, that was simply beautiful. So poetic and moving… I could go on and on. I think you’ve kind of stunned me. I honestly feel like my comment will taint this post! Okay… I’ll get over it.

I think I kind of know what you mean. I’m not the pondering, philosophical type, but sometimes my mind does wander places where I do think about the universe, the big picture, and what I am doing here. Have you read The Restaurant at the End of the Universe? In it, there is a torture device called the Total Perspective Vortex (it’s supposedly the worst torture anyone can be subjected to in the universe). It shows you just how infinitesimally small you are in relation to the vast expanse of the universe. That’s the sort of thing I’ve been thinking about lately… how nothing anyone does REALLY matters.

I can’t quite grasp your thoughts; I think they must be very different from my own. =/

left by Rachel on 2 July, 2010 Friday

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