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So Real, It’s Surreal

9 July, 2010 Friday // Art, Life

iconWhat is truly frightening to me sometimes is how fast my literal timeline is flitting by, yet how slow my personal clock is ticking. There is so much to accomplish, so much to realize, and so much that is hinged upon what I do this summer that the metaphysical stress of it all is strangely, putting me into regression. This is bad. What I need to do for myself is…go through everything, one by one. The daunting part of this is that I know I won’t be finished until next year. I have probably lost most of you here; I will explain in a second (maybe not). The single importance that this period of my life as a student has, has been pummeled into me so many times, I am stuck on repeat and getting nowhere. I am also extremely tired of comparing myself and comparing numbers, just numbers, only numbers, those damn numbers. There are thousands of others in the same boat as me, just holding their gait differently. And just like life always is, there are many who happen to be luckier than me, and many who are less luckier than me. I personally know people from both pools. Then there are people, who are luckier than me, but by their own personal choices, have brought themselves to lose some of that luck, only to realize it now, and in the spirit of sudden regrets pour forth a string of denials. I know one person who is so. All I can do is focus on myself, and I hope I can sincerely do so, with minimal mistakes.
All right, so in the span of a month, I’ve been to Disneyland, gone to the beach twice, started grueling SAT prep (for which I am leaving in an hour and a half), went up to Santa Barbara, and possess a shitload of photographs of fireworks, from two different occasions. Right. I’ve hyperventilated about renewing my domain (naeolia.net) and my hosting, which is supposed to expire today. Which brings me to note, today is July 9th, 2010. Last year, July 9, 2009, I bought this domain and set up Naeolia on its own platform. So happy domain anniversary. My host is going through some business issues, but the important thing is, for the time being of about a month, I’m hosted. I think you and I can both sense a S-H-I-T down the line. Deal with that as it comes. I was originally going to post some photography and an inkling of resources, but now I feel drained and slightly neurotic, so I’m going to leave you with the product of my last couple of days on Photoshop. Beautiful Tiiu Kuik in an experimental piece. Tell me what you think.


A Morsel of What I Have Been Up To

15 June, 2010 Tuesday // Art, Life

iconSometimes I find myself sitting quietly, usually in the car, having my thoughts chase each other around, pondering my way through a map of the universe, stringing together what I can make of myself…and the world. It can be a frightening place, for after a while, when I land back to my senses (somewhat), I find myself on the brink of a void – void, and not the cliché abyss – where it is as if I really am in that moment the stardust we are all made of. The notion of nothing-ness, only I take it a step further and apply it to everything that matters to me most. I am finding now, maybe it is the fact that I am constantly “rediscovering” myself, it is the reason I am despairingly stuck in a rut that takes so much effort to remove myself from. I don’t doubt I am a romantic person, not the sense of warm, lovely candlelit auras and scented breezes through the shutters, but that unanchored, dreamy sort, with piles of images and thoughts flitting past in a perpetually nostalgic slideshow. And it is such a perplexing matter, when thinking about it afterwards, that in these moments, I am not really peering in at myself, or myself at all…they are really the most unselfish moments of my waking life – everything is strung on a quivering thread, as fragile as that golden string the Fates sever, without a thought. Without a thought. It is the strangest place, there, too. Once you leave, you cannot go back, for then you are caught up in trying to return, it is quite impossible to go back. Yet when you are there….are you really? Or is it just a moment’s peace, prolonged by the silence of the surroundings. Not silence in the literal sense, for that hardly ever matters. To me it doesn’t at least. There is nothing better than that particular silence.